About Social Acceptability, Desirability and Pressure

There is a scene in the movie Tamasha when a guy asks the male protagonist Ranbir a simple enough question “How are you”? Believing that the guy seriously wanted to know about him, Ranbir goes on to explain the various issues he is facing in life. Irritated, the guy scolds him and then Ranbir delivers this line “Jab matlab he nhi tha toh pucha he kyon”?

This line has been resonating with me ever since I watched the movie. It exposes the sheer hollowness of most of the conversations today that we indulge into. We have become so used to asking such questions like “How are You”, “What’s up”, “What’s going in life” that we don’t even know whether we seriously want to know these things from our heart when we ask. I guess in most of the cases, we don’t want to know. We have become programmed, like a robot, to ask a particular set of questions when we see other persons.

The problem is, if there is an individual who believes in the inherent goodness of all the persons, and thinking that the person is asking earnestly, goes on to explain his problems, he is branded as ‘weird’ or ‘awkward’ (writing these words because the abusive word that is most commonly used for them cannot be written here).

These are the individuals whom the society tags as being socially awkward, introvert, shy etc etc. Their only issue: that they have not yet learnt the nitty-gritties of behaving “normally” socially. And the normal social behavior says that when you are in a DJ party, you have to compulsorily talk to another people, and, of course, dance. Society does not give the option of enjoying the party and music sitting quietly. The normal social behavior also says that when you are out for trekking in a group, you have to keep talking to all other people, click selfies, do gossip and other usual stuff. The option of enjoying the nature, looking at mountains and realizing the smallness of humans, appreciating the flow of rivers and the beauty of the woods, or simple gazing at the stars and remembering that quote of Carl Sagan about the pointlessness of human existence, desires, wants, passions, relations, fights, wars is simply not there. If you do any of these, you are weird, awkward etc. The point is simple: when with people, do what the people want. Period.

The definition, and the pressure, of being “socially normal” manifest in other forms too. There are people who behave in a particular way believing that all other people are also selfish and trying to maximize their own benefit. The result is that all of them start behaving in a similar way and this then becomes a “social norm”. And then there are people who have a slightly different understanding of society and situations, and form their opinions and moral/ethical standings accordingly. But since these positions are different (may be ideal), they are not acceptable to a large audience.

One example of this was the movie Rocket Singh Sales Man of the Year. The business of business is business, we all have been hearing since always. And for succeeding in business you have to compulsorily cheat on your suppliers or customers is often the acceptable thing in society. But this movie suggested that the business of business is not just business, but investment in customers, and their happiness. And that you can very well follow all the ethical principles and succeed in business. Yes, there will be problems initially because out there, most of the people would think that your way of doing things will fail. But, patience, persistence and a firm believe can achieve more than that can be achieved by the socially acceptable way. And this can be more sustainable also.

Another example of social pressure comes from the classroom. If a class is going and a person is genuinely interested and asks some questions, he is different and “ajeeb”. Who asks so many questions in the class? If you really have some doubts, you can go outside the class and ask. And blah blah. And I thought the entire point of a class was such simple: the professor will explain something, if anyone has any doubt, ask. Debate, debate, we keep saying this. But if there is a debate between a prof and his student in class, others say “itna kya ho gya yaar”.

In civil services training academies, such persons are being branded as “being KTPs, Keen Type Probationers”, who are keen on asking questions and clearing their doubts. And not even class probationers, even the visiting senior faculty members sometimes ask at the beginning of the class “who is the ktp of the class”. In my entire training, I could see only one prof who made efforts to sensitize others and the academy to stop using this word. The irony is that in the IAS academy the statue of Sardar Patel stands with these words written ‘You will not have a united India if you do not have a good All-India Service which has independence to speak out its mind’. Leave out the actual field environment where there will be opposing forces from political and executive bosses, the class is one of the simplest places where an individual can ask questions. And the “socially normal” result of this is “being a KTP”.

Collectively, we have a framework about the behavior which is socially acceptable. Any deviation from that invites rebuke, not socially, but in closed group discussion about a particular individual in rooms or parties. That is when the true feelings of most of the group members about any such individual are exposed. And people will have their judgments about how such particular individuals will perform in field or actual life. However, they tend to forget that there judgments may not apply to all. Also, judging someone else suggests that you are 100% sure (and often rigid) about your own thinking/opinions and way of working and are not amenable to change in case any need requires. Basically, any judgment of any other individual based on his social behavior suggests all of these: arrogance, rigidity, egoism, ignorance and a feeling of superiority.

My own observation and experience suggests that all such individuals who are normally made fun of in closed social gatherings are more honest, transparent and innocent in their social behavior and conversations. They have not changed themselves to better fit into the society. And they are the persons who can prove to be more “Rocket Singhs” at the end of the drama of life.

However, if they change, it will be a collective defeat of the society which could not accept diversity, and forced them to fall in place and “behave properly”.